Shadows Seen: Writing Exercise #3

It’s inside. It’s always been inside. Lurking, waiting. Taking stock of all the ways it can come out. I never meant for her to see this. But that’s the thing about repression- you spend years pushing it down only to find you’ve primed it to catapult right into the open. With no regard for timing. 

We pulled up to the curb and I turned off the car. The night air had cooled considerably by the time we arrived at her front door. The chill in the air was also coming from her shoulder. 


“Thanks for the ride. I guess.” she sighed. 


“Sure thing.” I answered, too embarrassed to even look at her. 

Neither of us moving to exit the vehicle began to take on a meaning of its own. Complacency didn’t look good on anyone, especially not two people who had been in each other's lives for this long. We thought it would pass, that the spark would reignite. We weren’t just wrong, we were ignorant. 

“What are we doing?” she finally asked after what felt like hours of silence. 

I scoffed, disinterested in having this conversation for the 5th time this week. 

“What happened earlier is just going to keep happening until we talk about this.” she said. 

I started picking at a loose piece of rubber on the steering wheel, not knowing how to get out of this discussion.


“Maybe we should take a break. Again.” I offered. 

We’d been on more breaks than I could recall. Always coming down to the fact we can’t figure out something that has no answer. We loved each other deeply, but our lives weren’t melding. There is nothing more frustrating than wanting to make a life with someone and distance keeping that from being a reality. 

“Can we just talk about this tomorrow? I’m exhausted from earlier. And honestly, I'm embarrassed it happened.” I said exasperated. 

Just as we had gotten to the restaurant earlier I felt the gurgling in my chest, the buzz under my skin. I knew something was going to go down. I thought I had it handled, though. I always think I have it handled. It had been years since I’d had an episode, but no one was around for that one. 

“Fine. But if we don’t talk about it tonight I expect your full attention tomorrow so we can sort through this… mess.” she half-yelled. 

“Okay. Okay. I can do that.” I said. 

She finally moved to get out of the car. Part of me wanted to grab her hand and pull her back in, but I knew that wouldn’t make a difference. Not this time. 

She slammed the door and headed up her driveway. Maybe this time she’ll forget about me. Maybe this time the incident will have worked. I still felt sore from it happening. Why did it have to be in the restaurant, though? Anywhere else would have been less of a problem. Less public.

I put the car in drive and slowly started to pull away. Rubbing my knuckles where the jagged claws had been protruding just hours ago. 

It’s always been inside.